On the morning of April 20 in the year 15 AS (After Steve), or 2026 on the calendar of the non-believers, white lights graced the exterior of the circular cathedral of Apple Park. The Church’s holy disciples gathered in the pews of the Steve Jobs Temple, while the more than a billion faithful across the world received solemn notifications to their divine iPhone, iPad, and Watch devices.
After long months of contemplation and a Holy FaceTime with the Founder, Chief Prophet Tim Cook announced his intention to abdicate his position on September 1. It will be a little over a month before the anniversary of the Founder’s passing, who personally bestowed upon Prophet Cook the responsibility to guide the Church and its faithful.
Prophet Cook faced a great challenge in ascending to his role and a difficult path in following the Founder. Over many years, the Founder brought transformative products down from the mountain of the Apple Industrial Design Group, where Friar Jony Ive toiled to perfect black electronic slates that would deliver wonders to the faithful and convince the non-believers to join the Apple flock.
In his great wisdom, Prophet Cook recognized the divine triumph in the work of the Founder. He did not seek to challenge the works, but to make them available to the faithful in more varieties, colors, and price points. He sought to improve upon those great works with the AirPods and AirPods Pro and even sought to give the faithful a glimpse into the other side with the Vision Pro. His efforts were praised, but few had the courage to take the great leap into the virtual unknown.
As the devotion of the masses grew, Prophet Cook recognized that true believers wished to maximize their tithe to the Church. In exchange for their generosity, he bestowed upon them iCloud+, News+, TV, and Arcade. In long conversations with secular leader President Donald Trump, he convinced the state to reduce taxes on the holy work of the Church. All these initiatives caused the vaults of the Church to overflow with vast resources to forward the Divine Mission.
As Prophet Cook brought the word of Apple to new markets, he also saw it in the goodness of his heart to reward those who spread the word of the Founder. He returned vast sums to the Church’s humble shareholders through the reacquisition of their certificates of stock ownership. They only became more devout with every new act of benevolence.
The tenure of Prophet Cook was not without its challenges. He was a steady hand through difficult global events that challenged the Church’s network of production houses that he had overseen under the guidance of the Founder and saw off attempts to poach faithful by heretical hardware companies.
As one of his last acts, the Chief Prophet has given his disciples ample time to prepare for the ascension of his successor, Senior Prophet John Ternus. Prophet Ternus will build on the successes of Prophet Cook’s legacy, and will have to challenge the heretical Luddite criticism of Catholic Pope Leo XIV as he graces the faithful with more advanced Apple Intelligence.
Long live the Founder. Long live Prophet Cook. Long live Apple.
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